Steps. Your path in a new country · relationships

Man and woman — step by step

After a move, it’s not only the address that changes. The couple changes. One starts working straight away and speaks the language, while the other, for the first time in many years, depends on him for everything. Roles, money, tiredness, your own rules and other people’s all get mixed up, and even a strong couple finds itself a step lower than it was back home. Relationships grow the same way life does — from the bottom up. Like two trees side by side: each has its own roots and its own crown, they don’t merge into one, but their branches touch.

This is how relationships between a man and a woman usually grow. Eight steps — from “safe together” to a love that is bigger than the two of you. This page is about you in your relationship: what you feel, what you need and what you can do yourself. Tap a step to learn more about it.

Watercolour: a man and a woman sitting on a bench by a lake, she is talking, he is listening; golden light on the water

From the bottom upThe lower steps hold up the higher ones. While it doesn’t feel safe being together, or there’s no energy even for sleep, it’s hard to talk about closeness and shared dreams.

You may be standing on different stepsYou long for a heart-to-heart, and he longs for order and clear rules. Many arguments aren’t about love, but about the fact that you’re on different steps right now. It’s not a judgement of you or of him.

A move changes rolesWho earns, who knows the language, who decides — after a move, a lot gets turned upside down. The couple drops down a step, and that doesn’t mean the love has gone.

You change your partYou can’t change the other person, but you can change your part of your dance. When one of you changes, the couple changes too. This is coaching for you, not working out who is to blame.

If you feel afraid with him. If he threatens you, hits you, locks you in, takes away your money or documents, this is not a step and not a topic for coaching. This is violence, and help is available. If you are in danger, call the police on 117. The number 142 is help for people affected by violence, free and round the clock, and at first you can stay anonymous. To talk when things are very hard — 143. If your permit is linked to your marriage, see “Permit after divorce” on the Svoi ludi website.

The two of youYou met here or came here together. This is where the trail begins.

Love bigger than youYour love rises above the two of you and warms others.

Where are you right now in your relationship?

Most often it feels as if everything comes down to heart-to-heart talks or passion. But really it’s one of the lower steps that creaks — tiredness, money, agreements or your voice. Find the phrases you recognise yourself in and open that step. The “Being close and being yourself” test will show what your relationship rests on, and at the introductory meeting we’ll look together at where you in particular should start.